Synopsis: Theresa May, UK PM, can’t lie for 24 hours after a ten-year old boy, despairing at the state of the country and his prospects, makes a birthday wish.
Year: 2017. Director: Lekraw. Writer: Lekraw. Stars: Theresa May, Lynton Crosby, Laura Kuenssberg. *** “Not very funny” – Empire **”Like it was written by some arse on his laptop in ten minutes” – IMDb
Script scene extract:
INT. A BBC MAKEUP AREA, JUST OFFSTAGE – DAY
As her election strategist, LYNTON approaches, a visibly shaken THERESA pushes away a MAKEUP ARTIST and focuses on him.
Lynton! Lynton! We have to cancel the interview!
A man around 60, LYNTON, sharply dressed, ambles over and places a hand on Theresa’s shoulder.
What? Why? This is a golden opportunity Theresa. There’s nothing to worry about; Laura knows the script and she’s fully on board. It’s priceless free publicity. If it wasn’t for the BBC we’d have to rely on party political broadcasts like the prole parties.
You don’t understand Lynton, something’s happened…I…I…I don’t know how to explain it. Something’s happened to me…I can’t tell lies, I just can’t. It’s some kind of curse!
This is no time for jokes Theresa. You’re on in sixty seconds, now stop mucking about and get over there.
LYNTON pulls THERESA out of her chair by the arm and pushes her towards–
THE INTERVIEW COUCH
The BBC interviewer, LAURA, gestures urgently at THERESA to sit down, and turns to face the camera. THERESA sits, looking rattled, as a STAGE HAND attaches a microphone to her lapel and backs off.
Five, four, three, …, ….
Good afternoon and welcome. In the run up to the General Election, I will be interviewing each of the party leaders, and giving them the opportunity to explain to you, the viewers, why you should give them your vote on June 8th. Today I’m joined by the Right Honourable Theresa May, Prime minister and leader of the Conservatives. Welcome Theresa, and thanks for joining us today.
THERESA looks around, wild-eyed.
Th…thank you Laura.
So Prime Minister, before we go on, why don’t you tell the viewers why you decided to call this snap election, after saying for months that you wouldn’t. What changed your mind?
THERESA looks panicked, desperately trying to stop herself as she turns red in the face.
I…I had to.
You had to? Why did you feel you had to?
We..we…they are going to prosecute twenty odd of my MPs. I only have a majority of seventeen. We were going to lose our majority and our control of the country. I had to do it. PARTY FIRST! Dammit!
LAURA, looking visibly startled, looks over at LYNTON (offstage – next to camera) who stands aghast. Not knowing what to do, she continues.
Erm, haha. Anyway, let’s move on shall we. So you’ve been out and about, hitting the campaign trail hard. I see you’ve been visiting businesses and workplaces. What have the people there been telling you?
Nothing! We don’t let the proles speak or ask anything. That was Lynton’s idea. He says I’m not up to the task of answering questions. Can’t think on my feet he says. Saves any potential embarrassment. We turn up by helicopter to avoid the inconvenient grubbers, after the place has closed and everyone’s gone home. The people you see me with are hand-picked for their allegiance, and not allowed to ask any questions. Journos too, no questions. Except you of course Laura, and your BBC chums, but then you’re all on team Theresa.
Looking over at LYNTON (off stage), LAURA sees he appears to be frantically taking to the director.
Ahem…erm…so, eh, the economy. Let’s talk about the economy. Tell us how you provide a strong and stable leadership.
Oh that’s just one of Lynton’s sound bites Laura. “Stay on brand Theresa, stay on brand”, he keeps telling me. That and “stand with your legs akimbo when talking, you know, like Prince George in that Blackadder scene with the two actors”. No idea why he makes me do that, I feel kind of ridiculous doing it to be honest with you. But no, “strong and stable” doesn’t mean anything. It’s just one of those psychological tricks where, if you keep repeating the same bollocks ad nauseam, at least some people will come to believe it’s true.
But, but, the economy is doing well. It’s growing.
No, no, that’s nonsense Laura. That’s just what we let people believe, and they only believe it because none of them have a clue about how the economy actually works, and they can’t be bothered to find out. The proles only read the tabloids, and Rupert and his chums have that covered. They read what we want them to read, and believe whatever we tell them.
Oh come on now Laura, you know that’s artificially inflated by the huge immigration we’ve had in recent years. Why do you think I haven’t actually done anything about the numbers of people coming in, despite saying I would? It’s just not convenient for us. God forbid the proles should ever find out that they should be looking at things like GDP per capita, real terms wage growth, or the insane balance of trade deficit. Christ, if it wasn’t for the Jocks and their oil we’d be bankrupt. Wages? Real terms wage growth is the lowest in the developed world. The UK is the only country in the developed world where GDP is growing, but wages are stagnating or going down, and have been for ten straight years. The super rich one percent have doubled their wealth, while everyone else has seen a fifteen percent decrease in their buying power, and they haven’t even noticed. Hahahahahahahaha, Oh God, the Jocks aren’t watching this are they? Do they still have TVs up there? God the people are thick. We’ve imposed draconian austerity on them for the best part of a decade, sanctioned benefits claimants (which actually costs more to administrate under private companies than it will ever save), cut ESA, taken away disabled peoples independence, privatised massive chunks of the NHS, cut four-point-six billion from social care, introduced tuition fees so high that most graduates will never pay them off, slashed local government budgets, slashed the fire service budget by thirty percent, axed thirty-four thousand police jobs, started building a nuclear power station that will be so expensive people will be paying for it by paying double the market rate for electricity for thirty-five years, allowed massive multinational corporations to pay almost no tax in the UK, taxed their spare bedrooms, and even limited tax credits to two children and introduced a rape clause! And, haha, this is the best part, honestly you couldn’t make it up; we told them it was necessary to reduce the deficit and the national debt. Hahahahahahahahahaha, they haven’t even realised that, after ten years of ripping them off, not only have we not decreased the deficit or the debt, we’ve actually increased the debt by more than every Labour government in history combined!!! One point eight trillion pounds!! Strong and stable!! Wahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
THERESA, now laughing maniacally, bangs her hand on the table repeatedly.
INT. BACKSTAGE – DAY.
LYNTON frantically tries to remove the cover from a fuse box, while being dragged back by two SECURITY GUARDS.
For Christ’s sake get off me, I have to stop this! Get off me ya bloody mongrels.
INT. PENSIONER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
An ELDERLY COUPLE stare, shocked and open-mouthed, at their tv screen, which displays the static message “We apologise for the interruption to programming. This is due to technical difficulties beyond our control. Normal programming will resume as soon as possible”.